omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
