I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
