I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
