You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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