I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
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