My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
