I cockslap morals
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
