Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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