Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
