fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
