The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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