how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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