woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
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