This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
