Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Randomize
