there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
