My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
