How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
