im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
We need a shit load of segways right now
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
