Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
