i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
