Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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