I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
