I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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