3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize
