I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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