i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Sext me about skeletons
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
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