oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
