You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
