Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
