Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
