I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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