we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
