I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
