I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
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