my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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