I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
