I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize