I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
