The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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