so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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