When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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