the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
