Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Randomize
