I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Randomize
