they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Randomize
