Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
