just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
