I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
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