Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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