My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
