There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
