Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
