she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Randomize
